Forget About Vaping, We Have a New Enemy to Fight... (Diet) Dr Pepper & Cream Soda

I’ve never been much of a soda guy. I’ve always preferred chugging a chocolate milk and avoiding the burning and burping that always followed a soda. Growing up, I saw that I was in the minority and any time I was staying over at a friend’s house, I would see every member of their family with a soda in-hand at all times.

After a while I grew accustomed to this and when I would go to a friend’s house, I’d find myself double-fisting Mountain Dew or Barq’s Red Cream Soda not realizing how they got there in the first place. Many of my friends didn’t have good-tasting filtered water available and the tap water in many of their houses was chock full of calcium and lime, so to avoid the taste of pennies, I learned to enjoy the taste of soda pop.

I always hated the carbonation so having the soda in a bottle allowed me to perform the dance of the “Shake & Release” (where I’d shake the soda with the cap on tight, then slowly loosen the cap and release the carbonation) until the soda was left flat and devoid of bubbles. Then I’d happily sip away without the fear of the soda taking over my body and speaking its demonic language through belches throughout the night.

When I moved out of my parent’s house I was able to live my best life with milk, water, and tea available any time I wanted it. I never craved soda so I never drank it. Basically what I’m trying to say is that soda has never affected me in the way that it has the rest of the world. I’ve never worshipped to the God of Coca Cola. I never bowed to the awesome power of Mountain Dew. Britney Spears almost made me a believer in Pepsi (“For Those Who Think Young”) but her sorcery was no match for my desire for Sam’s Choice bottled water and Ovaltine. As long as I had my 20oz bottles of bottled water and a pantry of choco-powder available, I never wavered in my devotion to my childhood beverage staples. That was, of course, until the Dr. decided to target me specifically.

Fast forward the year of our Lord 2020. This year has been a steady dose of kicks-to-the-nuts for all of us. Finding joy in life’s simple pleasures has been key in making through this year. This year, for me, I got into woodworking, worked hard on learning Korean, and got into advanced cooking (and baking) techniques. All of that has been nice but it never filled the void left by not seeing my friends and not traveling. Even my normal cathartic trips to the grocery store have become fear-filled excursions to a shared space of disease. In a normal trip to Kroger, where I’m dressed as a mummy pretending to be a ninja, I discovered something unexpected: Diet Dr. Pepper & Cream Soda.

I thought nothing of it at first - just another flavor to add to the hundreds in the soda aisle but when I got home I realized I was still thinking about it. You see, I’ve always enjoyed cream soda and Dr. Pepper was one of my preferred sodas so the combination of both in one vessel infested my brain. It was all I thought about any time I thought about grocery shopping. I decided I would buy some the next time I ventured out to the grocery store, but like 2020 has done so many times, once I was ready to grab a 12-pack of the new drink, it was sold out. I took it personally and swore to myself that I would find the soda. It turns out, the new soda was a hot-ticket item and was sold-out in every grocery store I went to for a couple weeks.

Then one day, there were three 12-packs available and without hesitation, I grabbed them all. I quickly paid and got out to my car to rip open a pack and drink one in my car. It was gone very fast and as the burning in my throat began to fade I quickly realized I made a grave mistake. A switch was flipped in my brain and now I needed this drink in my life. Within a few days, those sodas were gone and I was making a trip back to the grocery store for the sole purpose of procuring more of Dr Pepper’s delectable cream soda.

Without going into too much detail, many sodas have been consumed and now I must fight back and learn to live without this drink in my life. You see, I truly believe that the good Dr. had me in mind when his team of mad scientists concocted this Franken-drink to take the world by storm and I need to take back control of my life. Since the first taste of this drink, my life has drastically changed. Water seems like it’s missing something and Ovaltine seems chalky to me now. Even right now as I’m typing this, I just finished another can of this caramel-colored devil juice! I only have three cans left and after that, I’m done for good! The Dr.’s spell will be broken. I’m tired of the carbonation and most of all, for someone that has done everything possible to avoid burping, I must break free and get back to a no-belching lifestyle before I learn to enjoy the sound of hell’s bass drums emitting from my own mouth.

This is my declaration to you, Dr Pepper: I am not your dancing monkey anymore. I will not sip your sweet nectar no matter how little sugar you have in it! I am done with the mind games of trying to make it to tomorrow before having to buy more cans of your brown candy water goodness. It breaks my heart to have to part like this but it is evident to me that I need you in my life more than you need me. I’m even starting to realize that I might mean nothing more to you than a few more shekels in your over-stuffed pockets. I don’t have the power to take you down - the soda industry is a modern-day titan, but I might have the ability to steer my life away from your poison water and put you in my life’s rear-view mirror.

I hope those of you reading this can avoid the temptation that I have fallen victim to. Your life will not be better with this in it and steering clear of this drink will leave you better off - I guarantee it!

I wish you a good life, Dr., but I hope we never meet again.

…unless you, in fact, do need me in your life and would like to offer me the chance to be the spokesperson for your heavenly saccharine refreshment. To live with your drink in my hand and your approval in my heart will only bring my life the joy that I have always needed. Yes, your drink might lead to the downfall of my health and the efficiency of my bodily functions, but I will gladly give them away if I can replace them with your love. I will even allow myself to become the Dr. Pepper version of the Tin Man (from “The Wizard of Oz”) and live without any organs at all if you would just acknowledge my existence and allow me to do your bidding (with free drinks and enough money for groceries as payment)!