The Rulebook: Movie Theaters
The theater is my sanctuary and it gives me the opportunity to escape the real world for a couple hours. The problem is that I have to cohabitate this large space with a lot of other people and shared spaces need rules so that everyone can enjoy them. I wish this rulebook wasn't needed but the majority of people cannot be trusted to do the right thing on their own.
BEFORE THE MOVIE:
Be on time. In the world of movie-watching being "on time" means that you are late. The time listed for the movie is when the trailers start. Get there 30 minutes before the trailers start. Seeing a movie in the theater is an experience and arriving early enough to see the ads before the movie starts gives you time to claim your seat(s), then get refreshments and snacks, and use the bathroom before the trailers start. Also, this is the only time socializing is acceptable in the theater.
Know the order you want to get things done before the movie starts. If you want a specific spot in the theater, bypass the concessions stand and go straight to the theater and claim your seats. Then you can go wait in line at the concessions and not worry about where you’re sitting. It’s silly to miss out on your preferred viewing angle just because you couldn’t wait to get your snacks.
Late arrivals get the worst seats. Arriving after the trailers start means that you have chosen to select a seat from the ones available and easily accessible. It is too late to ask anyone to move over a seat (to make room for a group) and if that means that you need to break up your group, then so be it. Watching a movie is not a social thing. Unless you are planning to hold the hand of the person next to you, being apart from the people you arrived with is a non-issue. The only thing that could be an issue is sitting in a seat where the viewing angle isn’t to your liking, but that’s the risk you take arriving late to a showing. You do have the option of exchanging your ticket for a later showing if the current crop of seats is not in an acceptable place in the theater.
Responsibility of the middle seats. Sitting in the middle of the theater means that you are taking it upon yourself to adhere to even more rules than the other moviegoers. Once the movie begins, you are responsible for not going to the bathroom or concessions for refills. You understand how distracting it is for others in the theater to see you slowly squeeze and waddle yourself out of the row and minutes later waddle back, so during the ads and trailers you are getting your refills and using the bathroom because you are preparing yourself for the long haul. Pacing your liquid consumption is specific to each individual person and knowing your limits ahead of time is crucial to being someone in the middle seats. Before the trailers start you might see one or more people consuming their popcorn or drink/slushie at an alarming speed. This is normal for some people who want to start the movie with a fresh batch of popcorn or have a full drink. There should be no judgement made towards these people - they are only trying to get their money's worth.
Keep your feets off the seats. I don’t care if you have the cleanest sneakers in the world, keep your feet off of the seats. That means all feet - sneakers, sandals, and especially bare feet stay on the ground. Keep in mind that these seats are not shampooed and thoroughly scrubbed on a regular basis so we all need to do our part and keep these seats in the best condition possible for as as long as possible. Keeping your feet off of the seats may be less comfortable for you but until they open a theater with ottomans built into the chair, these are the rules that we all must live by. Many theaters have a few seats in front of a railing where it is acceptable to place one’s feet. If you must have your feet elevated, this is where you need to place yourself. There are also a growing number of theaters with recliners available, so there really is no reason for your feet to be on a seat.
Fidgeting is for therapy, not the theater. If you're the kind of person who can't help but pop your joints, make mouth noises, or bounce your leg up and down as a habit, you are noticed. Movie theater seats are connected as a row and any movements you are making can be felt several seats away. If your fidgeting is uncontrollable and cannot be stopped, sit closer to the screen (where there are less people).
Don't 'kids & movies'. There are many people who bring toddlers (and infants) to movie theaters. The theater of course allows this because they make money from the parents. I assume the parents do this because there is a movie that they want to see but either can't be away from their child or couldn’t find a sitter so they could see the movie without said child. I don’t care what the reason is but if your child doesn’t want to sit still and watch flashing lights on a white screen in complete silence, then leave them at home. If that means that you have to stay home too, then so be it. There are many sacrifices parents make with young children. The beautiful thing about parenting is that if you do your job correctly, they will continue to age and soon they will be able to attend the theater and follow the rules as they are written here.
Cell phones and movies don't mix. I don’t believe it is asking too much to turn off your cell phone during a movie. I understand that there are times that you need it on in case of emergency so if your phone needs to be on, it MUST be set to vibrate. Silent makes no sense since you are expecting the brightness of the phone to show through your pants and alert you - and if it is going to alert you, it's going to distract other too. Also, if your phone has the internal motor of a high priced Hitachi and its vibration can be felt three seats over from you, do not place the phone in your back pocket. Place it in one of your front pockets and once it goes off, immediately press a button to end the vibrating. If you need to look at your phone, leave the theater entirely and return later. Honestly, if your phone needs to be on because you are expecting a call/text, maybe you shouldn't be seeing a movie at that time to begin with.
Practice theater-appropriate snack etiquette. Your goal as a someone viewing the film in this shared space is keeping all distractions coming from you to an absolute ZERO. That means no talking and turning your phone off, but something most people don’t realize is how loud candy wrappers are. Therefore, before the movie begins (during the trailers is a great time to do this) open your candy beforehand and get the boxed candy out of its cellophane wrapper and pour it into its cardboard container. If you have Twizzlers/Red Vines, etc. where they are only in a cellophane wrapper, then be mindful of the amount of noise the plastic can make while you are forging for its contents. Have it open before the movie starts and don’t mess with the bag during the quietest parts of the film.
Eat popcorn like a civilized person. Popcorn is the quintessential movie food. It has been ubiquitous with movies theaters since the 1920’s. It is cheap and easy to make and theaters make a killing selling it to moviegoers. It is so common to binge on popcorn that some people can't sit through a movie without the stuff. The problem is that satisfying crunch of chomping down on popcorn can be quite distracting to those around you - especially when some people don't know how to chew with a closed mouth. When eating popcorn chew with your mouth closed. Be careful not to overfill your mouth, a pinch at a time should suffice. Also, be mindful of when you chow down on popcorn. During the quiet parts of the movie, avoid rummaging around the bag and chewing loudly. It isn't unreasonable for you to wait a moment or two for a quiet scene to end and then resume your feasting. These aren't silent movies, there will be enough noise that you can still polish off that second bag of popcorn.
Obey outside food ordinance. The number of food items available in the average movie theater is severely limited. Mostly consisting of popcorn, hot dogs, and nachos this leaves many people unable to eat food during the movie (especially those on low carb or ketogenic diets). Therefore bringing in food from outside of the movie theater is acceptable as long as you are extra mindful with the amount of noise you are making. Similarly, no food should be brought to the theater that emits a noticeable smell. Also, when bringing in outside food, take your trash with you when you leave.
DURING THE MOVIE:
Practice proper potty protocol. Bathroom breaks are the most difficult part of going to the movies. Knowing when to go is crucial but luckily there is an app to make this easier. The app is called RunPee and it has a timer that runs while the movie plays and alerts you (using your phone’s vibration) of times to use the bathroom. It also has a written description of what you are missing while using the bathroom so you don’t feel like you’ve missed anything. When using this app, read the pee times before the movie starts for verbal clues on when the pee time is approaching. This will save vitals seconds and allow you to be as efficient as possible in your efforts. If you do not have a smart phone (or refuse to use RunPee for some reason) then it is imperative to choose your moments wisely when exiting for the bathroom. Most people will do this during the quietest moments of the movie thinking they aren't missing much but choosing this time means you have to be ninja-like in your movements as you leave the theater.
*NOTE: The RunPee app also lets you know if there's any extra scenes during or after the credits!
No talking during the movie. I can't believe I have to say this but talking during the movie should be as close to non-existent as possible. If there is something urgent that needs to be said, then it should wait until there is a loud(er) part in the movie (montages, action scenes, etc.). There should be NO talking during the quiet parts of the film (dialogue, moments of anticipation, etc.). Much of the talking in movies is due to asking someone to explain something (due to confusion) or asking what you've missed after returning from a trip to the restroom. Keeping the talking and distractions to a minimum and using the RunPee app during bathroom breaks will cut down the amount of talking during a movie.
Don't let your kid(s) ruin the movie. Bringing children to a theater almost guarantees that there will be talking during a movie. The important thing here is to make sure the child understands how going to the movies is a big deal and the importance of not distracting others in the theaters with noise and movement. I have gone over this with my nephew and we have a set of hand motions used during the movie to avoid disturbing others. Most things can be signed in this way - beginning with a tap on the arm and then signaling to me what he needs to say. This has proven to be very effective and sometimes it looks like he's a secret agent trying to relay information to me while undercover. He is one of the best behaved children you'll find in a theater and most of that is due to him just being told (and understanding) how important it is to consider other people and their enjoyment before yourself and taking that into consideration before acting.
I know some people are going to read this and think that I'm being unreasonable with so many rules. The truth is a lot of people are oblivious to how distracting they are to others. In a time where we are constantly bombarded with ads and content, it's nice to be able to turn off the real world and get lost in a movie. I hope you are willing to follow these rules and keep your fellow cinephiles in mind the next time you go to the theater.
