So You Have to (Emergency) Poop at Work?
I don't know how most people think, and I'm fully aware that I'm not normal in how I act or think, but when it comes to the subject of pooping... I do everything I can to poop at home. My own porcelain throne is best - I know it and it knows me. I liken it to a wizard and their wand; in the world of Harry Potter, a wizard's wand is necessary for them to perform magic correctly. It is possible to use other wands to conduct magic but it can be unpredictable and in the case of Ron Weasley (who had a hand-me-down wand) you can see how frustrating it can be to deal with that on a regular basis.
Pooping is supposed to be a time of relief. My body needs to rid itself of waste and I use this time to semi-meditate and clear my mind. I am not a mindless drone who regularly uses their phone whilst on the toilet (this is also why I refuse to touch most people's phones). I am there to perform a task and I once I'm done I leave. Sitting on the toilet too long can lead to hemorrhoids and eventually prolapsing of the rectum. That's why I don't fuck around while sitting down. I regularly use a Squatty Potty which aids in the process for speed and comfortability. I have a Glade plug-in and a fan running constantly. I take this time seriously. That's why I only poop somewhere else if it's an absolute emergency. I have worked to build a supreme situation for myself and other places just feel wrong to me. I can count the number of times I pooped in my high school on two hands (and trust me, I was extremely disappointed in myself when I needed to start counting with that second hand) and that was over the course of four years. This is no joke to me and if you are anything like me, I'm glad you found this article.
First, let me admit that I am a bit of a germophobe. I'm "woke" when it comes to knowing the amount of microscopic poo-particles floating around a bathroom so that's why it is imperative that you close the lid when flushing. (Also, please remember to clean the seat and lid's surfaces with a bacterial wipe regularly.) Because of this I don't like going to public restrooms (I even wrote an article on how public restrooms could be improved for the betterment of society as a whole) since they have no lids and when you flush one of those high-powered toilets, my deepest fears come true and I can (almost) see the poo-particles shooting up into the air and filling the room around me. This flush scenario happens multiple times a day and always from a different person so the amount of bacteria and the variety of viruses that fill that room are unsettling to say the least. That's why if you see me enter a public restroom I tend to hold my breath and sometimes jerk my head to the side like I got punched by the very E. coli one of you shit into the air. I think about all of this every time I go to pee, so you have to believe me when I tell you that it's much worse in my head while entering the stall. That's why the steps I must follow are:
Know (ahead of time) when there are no people in the restroom.
Check the handicap stall for cleanliness.
Sit & finish as quickly as possible.
Wash up and leave before anyone knows of what happened.
If you're at work and you've got swords dancing in your stomach, there isn't much time to think so you should have already planned a few things ahead of time. During the day, take note of when the coffee drinkers in your office go to the bathroom. Normally they follow a schedule and know when a stall will be available for them. It is good to know these times because I will NEVER poop in a bathroom if someone I know can identify me by my shoes or the pants I am wearing. My goal is to have the bathroom as close to empty as possible, so the busy times: one hour into the work day (this is normally the coffee drinker's migration to the bathroom), 1 hour before lunch time (people like to poop on company time and won't waste their lunch break pooping), the 1 hour after lunch (again, people like to poop on company time), and 1 hour before going home (many people like to leave work relaxed and with an empty colon so that's one less thing to worry about during their rush hour drive home) are off limits to me.
Once you take away the busy times, you are left with certain windows of time where the bathroom traffic should be low. It is important during these times to scope out the scene and verify your hypotheses. I will normally pee during these (low traffic) windows to make sure my findings are accurate and dependable. I have a couple windows during the day where I'm confident the bathroom will be close to empty. I do this hoping to never have to use the bathroom for #2 purposes, but in the event of an emergency the fear of people is taken out of the equation (as much as possible) - I have bigger things to worry about.
Next, if I storm into the restroom needing to rid my body of the poison demon within, I need the handicap stall. Mostly, because the shit-covered walls (dividers) of the smaller stalls are disgusting and touching them will cause actual damage to my soul. Time will stop and I will linger in poo-gatory for the rest of the day. Once in the stall I must get some toilet paper to cover my hands as I close the stall door and lock it. These are the first things people touch after pooping and I can't trust people to properly wipe with 1/2-ply toilet paper without getting shit on their hands.
Now I have to inspect the toilet seat. I am looking for urine stains, pubic hairs, the smallest bits of poop, blood, and other things that aren't initial parts of the toilet seat. If there are urine stains or pubic hairs, I go back to my office and grab Clorox Wipes. A hefty dose of Clorox and a make-shift border of toilet paper on the seat should suffice for the task. In the event that bits of poop or blood is seen, I'm out of there. I'll clock out and risk getting home. I'm not dealing with poop or blood with a hazmat suit on so you can bet your life on me not exposing my bare ass to that whether or not the Clorox Wipes guarantee 99.9% of the bacteria will be killed. I've seen the person who cleans the restroom. She uses a lot of spray and has a great scrubbing technique so I trust her to put that world back in order if I deem it unfit to use even after my (non-sponsored) Clorox scrub down.
If the toilet seat is fit to be used, I must fashion a protective barrier for me to sit on. Since the only thing available is toilet paper, I must make do. I know studies show that the toilet seat is one of the cleanest surface especially when compared to the faucet but countless unknown butts have sat upon this lavatory and I wouldn't rub butts with them directly so it makes sense to me that I wouldn't put my bare bottom on something they've already shat upon.
Now it's time for the part no one wants to talk about or read about - it's time to push. My goal is to get in and out of the bathroom without anyone seeing me. When the snake charmer lays down the melody, it's very likely that this won't be a silent task. That viper will come out spittin'. There will be noises and the last thing I want is to sound the trumpets for someone about to enter and then they linger to see what monster would unleash such things into the world and then tell everyone of this spectacle. These poops are outliers so anyone that witnesses it would be wrong in thinking this is a regular occurrence. It's important to plant your feet firmly on the ground and use proper breathing to complete the task as efficiently as possible. I am not looking to completely empty my tank; this is merely to get the worst of the demon out and make it the rest of the day until I can get home and do things right. In between pushes I am rolling out toilet paper and folding it to quickly transition to wiping. Once you've alleviated yourself of the worst of it (and you'll know it when it's happened) you can wipe and kick the handle so you can quickly move to the sink while the toilet flushes (and the microscopic shit shoots into the air).
Now it's time to scrub down. I like to over-wash my hands because at a point I feel like I've scrubbed some of the filth off of my conscience too. Once done, I grab a few paper towels and dry my hands and then turn the sink off. Next it's important to use the paper towels to open the door. People who don't wash their hands have wiped their nastiness on the door handle and I don't want any of that. Next you can either throw the paper towels away in the bathroom or ball them up (leaving the filth on the inside) and throw them away in the hallway trash receptacle. The entire process shouldn't take longer than 10 minutes from the time you get out of your seat to when you return to your desk.
If you're still reading I hope this has helped you in some way and not given you the same fears that I live with every day. I know many people don't mind pooping in a public restroom and I envy that quality. I have not been blessed with such a mindset; I care deeply that people not assume this is a normal trip to the restroom for me. I need to relieve myself without anyone knowing of the internal war that is happening in my body. Also, I will not celebrate a perfectly executed performance. There is always concern in the back of my mind for the next time this is going to happen. I've been fortunate to average less than one of these per year and to those of you with IBS or other issues I hope you don't suffer with the same insecurities that I have. Death would be a blessing rather than to have that be my norm.
